An Our Sports Bahamas Bowl Cheat Sheet Spectacular!

Because you Know You Didn’t Watch any UAB or Miami Ohio Games

NASSAU, BAHAMAS – I love college football. 

I love the schematic innovation, I love the goofy uniforms, I love the colorful coaching personalities (RIP Mike Leach), I love the coaching carousel, I love recruiting rankings, I love NIL, I love the transfer portal, I love the regionalism of it all. 

Maybe it’s be because I went to college in Alabama, less than an hour away from Tuscaloosa, close enough to hear anecdotes about the wacky hijinks that went on when Nick Saban recruited Julio Jones. Maybe it’s because I grew up in love with the Miami (FL) teams of the late 90s and early aughts, stocked out with NFL players too numerous to name, destroy everything in their path on local Miami TV. 

 College Football is my thing. 

And I, Mr Avid College Football fan, have not watched University of Alabama at Birmingham (UAB) or University of Miami of Ohio Play this year.

Most Bahamians, on the other hand, don’t care about college football.

I know this because I would try to talk about college football with anyone willing to listen. Most Bahamians – even ones who claim to love football – won’t talk, because they don’t watch it. So I know they didn’t watch these teams.

What Bahamians do love, however, is an opportunity to stunt. And despite my people’s complete indifference to anything happening on the field, the Bahamas Bowl is the perfect venue to show up in fineries and a jersey unrelated to anything on the field.

So I’ve provided a cheat sheet with things to watch out for from this year’s Bahamas Bowl so that my people can have some idea of what’s happening out there.

Trent Dilfer is UAB’s Head Coach

Trent Dilfer was such a mediocre NFL quarterback that he started on a Superbowl winning team, they didn’t think enough of him to consider re-signing him. The only time in NFL history this ever happened. He managed to convey a career where he threw 113 touchdowns against 129 picks into a career as a respected commentator and ironically enough, a quarterback guru. He then managed to spin this into a head coaching job at UAB despite never having coached in any capacity in college, like a race-swapped Deion Sanders if Deion was super-boring. His first game? Tomorrow!

Fun.

Let’s hear from Coach Dilfer: 

Trent Dilfer is the new coach at UAB. What a time to be alive. pic.twitter.com/pqSNT8eU3C

— Barstool Sports (@barstoolsports) November 30, 2022

I, for one, am fired up.

Miami’s Best Reciver is A Guy Named Mac Hippenhammer 

When I looked into Miami’s stat leaders, I noticed that their leading receiver was named Mac Hippenhammer. I said “cool, a large square-body tight end leads their team in receiving stats”.  Then I noticed that he’s 5’11. I said “cool, a Julian Edelman/Danny Amendola/Wes Welker clone, the Patriots will be all over him”. Then I saw what he looked like. The Pats aren’t going anywhere near the good brother Mac. 

Mac Hippenhammer https://t.co/iiqciaHIWZ pic.twitter.com/A7HS7d4PDM

— Steve Helwick (@s_helwick) November 13, 2020

Too bad because he catches bombs. 

YOU JUST GOT MOSSED!!!! pic.twitter.com/h9D1gh5cSN

— Miami Football (@MiamiOHFootball) November 17, 2022

UAB Has the Most Prolific Running Back in College Football

And that’s an empirical fact.

First half stats for DeWayne McBride:

10 carries, 182 yards 🤯#WinAsOne pic.twitter.com/eCrVI15ofo

— UAB Football (@UAB_FB) November 26, 2022

Conference USA player of the year and 2nd team All-American, running back DeWayne McBride comes into this game leading all of college football in rushing yards with 1713. He is also one off the lead for TDs with 19. UAB has a middling at-best passing attack and McBride averages 7 yards a carry. He’s going to get the ball a LOT.  

Fun fact: despite his gaudy running numbers, he only has 2 receptions this season.

TWO!

Man I love college football. 

Blane Gabbert’s Brother Plays* Quarterback for Miami

*Not anymore, he entered the transfer portal at the end of the season.

Brett Gabbert is the younger brother of NFL draft bust Blaine Gabbert. His career at Miami started on a high note in 2019 when he won MAC Freshman of The Year as well as a conference title. Blaine’s little brother is a baller, throwing for over 6200 yards, 45 touchdowns and 11 picks in his storied career before going down in November to injury. It’s unfortunate he isn’t playing here because he can really throw the ball.

UAB Linebacker Noah Wilder Will Knock Someone’s Block Off

Noah Wilder led the Conference in Tackles. Look for him to fly all over the field with more uncanned rage than Bobby Boucher hopped up on Mountain Dew after someone just insulted his mother.   

Miami’s Starting Quarterback Is A Legitimate Dual-Threat

Quarterback Aevon Smith assumed the starting role when Gabbert went down earlier in the season and proceeded to get it done in the air and on the ground. In only 9 games, Smith threw for just over 1100 yards with 9 TDs. His rushing numbers, however are what stood out. He 100 attempts for over 500 yards. 

Aevon Smith is the type of college QB that makes the game fun for casual watchers with no rooting interest because his insane athleticism enables him to make highlight plays. His feet can potentially win the game for Miami on Friday so watch out for him.